HELL - the Ever Present Danger

I am glad you have come to this page of our website, even though it discusses the black works of the foul beast with the horns and hooves. The cursed land of Hell is a key feature of any Christian's faith. For we must know our downfall in all its terrible detail to be able to avoid it - and, of course, scare people witless about it in order to convert them to the flock.

Think of an innocent child that has not the faintest inkling that such a horrible place exists as they skip about and play infantile games with finger paints. Surely there can be little doubt that they will be much happier when the horror of everlasting damnation has been explained to them in exhaustive detail, and the fact that they well may end up in Hell one day themselves has been drummed firmly into their little delicate heads.

We Christians know the dark one is watching us through the windows, from between the cracks in the pavement, peering out of the half open closet door and lurking under the bed. He watches and he licks the beautiful mouth God gave him with the foul black tongue of his own filthy corruption. And the place where he sits, this fiery pit of the dammed, is his realm. A realm given unto him by God, as an everlasting punishment for his dreadful pride and vanity. Here he broods on his throne of flies; here he makes his twisted plans to gain our souls.

To fully understand the everlasting terrors that await the unguided, we must first know their master. It is of great importance that we learn the history of the lord of lies, so we might better resist his artful caresses.

BEELZEBUB - Tale of the Damned.

Lucifer Morningstar was created first among angels. Of all things he was the first in the queue when given the most cherished gift of life from the smiling face of our LORD. But despite His mighty powers, God was unable to stop this most personal of all His creations from rising up and declaring that our great LORD was a "manky old git with a stupid beard."

Needless to say this caused a scowl to lie upon the face of the LORD. "Is that right?" He rumbled like thunder. "Yes, that is right actually," continued Lucifer, "and what's more your creation looks like it was thrown together by a blind, one armed tramp with bad hair, completely drunk on window cleaner and meths."

God was most displeased by the comments Lucifer was making, but He was more displeased by the fact that He couldn't think of a witty comeback, even though He had personally created all the witty comebacks that would ever be said. Led astray by Lucifer's cunning tongue, some of the other angels began to snigger and smirk behind the LORD's back, and Gabriel even went so far as to pin a "kick Me" sign on the Almighty's back when He wasn't looking. So, realising He would have to make an example of the cocky Morningstar, clenching His knuckles with a sound that made the very universe shake, He smote Lucifer with a mighty smite.

Once smited, Lucifer soon realised the error of his ways and began to beg for mercy:

"Oh LORD please don't smite me any more!" he warbled. But our LORD was having none of it, and rolling up His sleeves He proceeded to smite Lucifer relentlessly, again and again. When it was finally over, Lucifer awoke to find himself in Hell. He was commanded by the LORD to run the place and look after all those who - by the LORD's will - would end up here. Despite being really upset with God, Lucifer promptly decided to do our LORD's bidding, and gleefully set about punishing all those who were sent his way.

Theologians throughout the ages have been perplexed by Lucifer's actions. One would think after having been smote in no uncertain terms, that the Devil would want to do anything but obey the LORD's decrees. They argue that he would have been more inclined to say "Up Yours big nose! If You want the sinners punished You can damn well do it Yourself You fat lazy bastard!" Instead of punishing those who, like him, had fallen foul of the LORD's endless capacity to be a wanker, why would he not let them have a go on a bouncy castle, wearing "God Sucks my Balls" T-shirts, with jelly and ice-cream to follow?

However this argument is of little consequence, as the fact remains Lucifer did get with the programme and lend his own personal side to Hell, the darkest part of our LORD's great creation. And it is this particular part of creation we shall learn more of in this next section of the website:

HELL - burning, burning, nasty burning.

Hell is full of lost souls. The term 'lost' can be misleading as the lost souls certainly know where they are, and of course so does God, so really they aren't lost at all in any real sense of the word. Nevertheless they are on fire and I don't know about you but I think that would really hurt. They aren't just on fire for a few hours (which would be too much for me). No sir - they burn for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.

God doesn't like it, but what can He do? Apart from changing it all in negative time of course (which He doesn't like doing because our LORD isn't a show off). This is something the agnostics never grasped. Hah, it's no surprise it's wall to wall with agnostics in hell, all nailed up by their spines with burrowing snakes making nests in their heads.

Imagine yourself strolling through Hell; you might see a familiar face here and there amongst the ranks of the wretched. Maybe a bully from school, a cruel or fat relative, or even your own terror streaked face screaming in an everlasting outburst of agony as you are forever consumed by burning red hot torment.


Of course you don't need to go to Hell to have a good old nose about the place; one of the many wonderful (and free) attractions in Heaven is that you can peer down off the side of your cloud anytime the fancy takes you and have a gawp at the miserable sinners as they hop about in the flames screaming. After all, the LORD knows we all like to show off that we're doing better then others, so He has created things in such a way that those poor losers in Hell can see everyone having such a great time in Heaven while they roast away at gas mark 9, as this passage of the Bible clearly demonstrates:


But despite this grisly view, Hell is booming. Compared to the millions being dragged kicking and screaming down to Lucifer's realm, the ratio of souls getting past the interview with Saint Peter is not even remotely close. When this problem was broached by the good Saint Peter with the Almighty, God is thought to have replied "Meh."

Have you ever considered if perhaps you are destined to be one of the unfortunate souls who ends up in the clutches of Satan? Well don't sit about torturing yourself with worry! You can find out right now by taking advantage of our Patented 'Sin-O-Meter'