Relationships

Relationships are good things, by and large, and God wants us to have lots of them. The most important relationship you will have is, naturally, the one you have with the LORD Himself. Then in second place we have those you might have with your spouse and family; in third place come your friends, in fourth your fellow man, and last of all those relationships you might have with your pets or the beasts of the field.

Now there are many kinds of relationships - the kind you have with your bank manager for example (where you have to pretend you like the money lending wretch) and the kind you have with your parents (who you should respect and honour properly). God doesn't have a problem with these ones, but there is one kind of relationship that really gets His Holy goat. We are talking of course about sexual relationships, and I wish we didn't have to, because just thinking about this kind of thing is enough to get the LORD all moody and reaching for His 'smiting stick', but I fear we must offer guidance on this most unsavoury of topics.

"Can't we just talk about Jesus getting a huge spiky spear stuck into his wishy washy face instead?" I hear you ask – and though I am sorely tempted, because that does sound much more fun, sadly this is a topic that must be broached, so broach it we shall. First we shall cover the basics. And the basic rule of sex where God is concerned is not to have any.



If you will just obey these simple verses then everything will be fine. However, for those of you who cannot restrain your disgusting animal urges, we shall have to start dealing with some specifics which incur punishments that must be administered in this world, as opposed to merely burning in Hell for ever.

First off, don’t have sex with animals, even really small ones. It may come as a surprise to you but this is not the behaviour God expects from His people. He has decreed that anyone caught doing this type of thing should be murdered, and don't think we’re going to let the animal away with it either!


While having sex with women isn't quite as bad as having sex with animals, there are times when it almost is. I am talking about that rather unsettling moment of the month when we would say, in modern terms, that a woman is having 'her period'. In the good old days, the term 'period' was rightly kept for use in more decent conversation, and a woman's menstrual cycle was referred to more accurately as her 'sickness' or 'issue'.

The Bible tells us that when a woman is having her monthly 'sickness' she becomes unclean and must be separated from other people:


So needless to say:


How shall we take the meaning of "cut off from among their people"? Well it seems to me quite clear that such people should be shunned permanently, lest they start spraying the woman's 'sickness' all over the place in their bouts of frenzied lust! Gah – the very thought makes me want to throw up all over my nice clean robes!

There are other rules about what not to have sex with and how long you will be unclean for if you do but I’m afraid I just can't take any more of this filth, and insist we change the subject to something less sordid before I faint.

Marriage

Ah, that's better! God likes a good marriage. Now there may be sex involved with marriage at some point, but I'm simply going to pretend there isn't for the good of my peace of mind. Sadly, I do have to admit that there is such a thing as adultery, for it is my duty to remind you that:


So remember my children, the next time you begin to find anyone physically attractive tear your eyes out of your head and throw them on the floor! I think you'll find this will stop the problem. You may also discover that suddenly having no eyes will also effect your life in other areas, but you should have thought of that before you went around looking at people, knowing full well the possibility was there that you might have feelings beyond your conscious control.

You may also wish to ask yourself the next time you consider giving money to the blind:

"Am I funding visual adulterers here?"

Oh yes indeed, marriage is not something the LORD takes lightly. It is a sacred, sacred ritual involving The Good LORD and His children, where vows are made and solemn oaths given before witnesses and under the blessed gaze of the Almighty.


So while the language here is pretty strong, it is comforting to know that while the holy state of matrimony is of course a very serious commitment to make, God doesn't really mind that much if you decide to just chuck in the towel and that you can't be bothered with the whole bloody thing.

In fact, many theologians have argued that God likes a good divorce. They offer the convincing argument that Henry VIII had a couple and he was of course the most sacred and holy person who ever lived - after Jesus. Another point, which is hard to dispute, is that if the LORD didn't like divorce why would He have created so many lawyers?

If you're thinking of having a divorce, take our advice and have two instead! Spread the goodly news of divorce around a bit we say! Ask your friends and neighbours - have they had a divorce yet? And if not - why not?