Cre-Intelligal Designism
Breathe easy parents, the future of learning has arrived! A lot of people email us with concerns about what their children are being taught at school under the guise of 'science'. The offensive subject is of course evolution; that agnostic rubbish so beloved of God-hating intellectuals everywhere. The case for concern is usually due to the poor innocent child being instructed that it is the ancestor of a bunch of hairy, disgusting monkeys mating in a mire of primeval ooze, slavering and hopping about a frenzy of slime and lust. Yes, for this is the filth that agnostic scientists want your child to think about constantly instead of angels playing golden harps.
There really is no polite way to explain evolution to children as far as I can see, and often now days the teachers don't even try. We had one email from a lady whose son had come home one day and declared to the vicar that "I'm the bastard child of a monkey gang rape crack session." Apparently the teacher had used 'crack' as an analogy for 'mutation' - (a common procedure) but this was lost on the vicar who burst into tears. This type of scenario is sadly not uncommon.
Cecil D. Spraith's masterpiece "Darwin's Noble Theory" shows almost too vividly the outrageous muck that is the very essence of the theory of evolution, and is pictured here. Note the crazed expressions of the beasts as they indulge in a frenzy of fornication - this complete debauchery is what the agnostics want your tiny children to aspire to!
Happily there is an alternative to all this kind of thing, and we have it in the wonderful new: Cre-Intelligal Designism!
Now you'll probably have heard a lot of noise about this subject from various academics and I'm sure what they said was very interesting, but not as interesting as reading the Bible.
Just like you need to know your Bible before you can go around telling people about it, the same is true of Cre-Intelligal Designism. There are a few things you need to know about Cre-Intelligal Designism before you can teach it to your children, and start to explain it to people at length and in detail when ever you are able.
I've broken down the key points into a question and answer format:
Hey erm, science, I don't really like it - can't I just read the Bible?
Well that's the best part compadre! The trick to Cre-Intelligal Designism is to remember it basically is Creationism; so you can just swot up on Genesis, and you're most of the way there!
So now I can just go tell people how God made the world and everything in it in six days right?
What are you - some kind of an idiot? You tell people that and they'll laugh in your face for being a feckless retard. The deal with Cre-Intelligal Designism is that you never, ever, admit that it's really Creationism. If you do people are going to laugh themselves silly all over your life whenever you do it. So don't, ever.
Right, so what can I talk about?
Well don't start talking about Cre-Intelligal Designism what ever you do. Try droning on about how there are gaps in the fossil record instead. 'You're on good ground with a gap' was the motto of Creationist Herby Fackflut. He wrote two books about why archaeologists would never find a fossil of a perfect intermediate form between a fish and an amphibian. On to a Loser with a Ruler, his first book, was not only a brawny salvo to academics in the field of evolution, but also a witty attack on rulers and measuring devices. Herby's arguments won great acclaim from a small group of the people who read the book. The greatest of his arguments was surely:
"The scientist pokes and prods in the rocks, garbs himself in women's frocks, and keeps his things in a box which locks, but he will never find a half fish lizard quoth I - because his brain is located in his gizzard quoth I. If thou would say to me that thou doth possess such a fossil - pray deliver it! Alas thou cannot; and so I am right - and you are wrong."
In his next book, Your Microscope is Stupid, Herby dealt more withering sarcasm to the scientific community in general:
"The beakers you use to study your visage, have tricked the light so that it doth fall with a pleasing fashion upon your features. But if you do but allow me to tell thee how thou look, I will truthfully call thou a ponce."
It closed with the question: "Found your lizard fish yet?"
Sadly the day after this book was published, scientists discovered Tiktaalik, and Herby died of shock.
However, what Herby should have realised was that the discovery of Tiktaalik wasn't a bad thing but a good one; because now we have two more gaps either side of it in the fossil record to point to! The more intermediate fossils they find, the more gaps there are either side of each discovery! And they are finding more of these intermediate forms all the time! Pretty soon there will be nothing but gaps as far as the eye can see. My God, it'll be beautiful.
So OK, I talk about gaps, then what?
Talk about the gaps some more.
The person I'm talking to is getting really bored with me just going on about gaps here, is there nothing else I can talk about?
Try this on for size - tell them to think about how if you break things down into component parts none of them serve a purpose.
OK. Is that true?
No. But it's all part of this new load of rubbish we're peddling at the moment called Irreducible Pomposity. It's a tactic we like to employ when talking about Cre-Intelligal Designism - and it basically means we can say things that aren't true, and still think of our selves as honest people while doing it. Being ill-informed is a very good approach to take here. Then you can say the most bizarre things to support your arguments, secure in the knowledge that you might actually be right.
The person I'm talking to has just called me an idiot.
Yeah well this can happen. When it does, you should just go somewhere else and never see that person again. You may have to move house in fact, because there is a chance that the person who called you an idiot will tell other people why they think you're an idiot, and then everyone will most probably think you're an idiot.