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Hello my dear friends! This page is used to display some of the more noteworthy emails our Church receives, so that all can read them and learn goodly wisdom. Whilst pride is a sin, I flatter myself gently that - were God to see my replies to the emails my flock send me - He would rise up and call this website blessed! In fact I fully expect that I shall be made a saint when I get to Heaven, and then all the other reverends that used to laugh at me and steal my lunch money will be sorry, oh yes, I'll make them sorry all right...
Of course some of the emails we get are just abusive rubbish and will not be printed here for risk of offending anyone. For example I got one the other day - obviously from an agnostic - which urged me to go away, sodomise myself sideways and take my stupid religion with me! Although I was a little upset at first, I soon cheered up when I thought of this rude person burning in agony in Hell, while I frolic about with the LORD in Heaven in my birthday suit.
I hope you will take a moment to read the thoughts of your fellow Christians, and that in doing so will find some of the peace I get contemplating the bond we all share. Though we may come from very different places, truly we are all brothers and sisters in faith; one big happy family under the loving care of the lovely LORD of lords, God most mighty!
Jesus the Cellar Dweller
Hi Reverend Worthington,
I think Jesus may be living in my cellar here in Luton. I have been leaving Him bread and food and in the morning it's gone.
Do you think Jesus is in my cellar?
Yours in Christ
Margy Hetheldrip
margybargy@aol.co.uk
Dear Margy,
Of course! Jesus is everywhere. He is in all our cellars.
Love and blessings
Reverend Bernard Worthington
Hi Reverend Worthington,
I was most pleased to learn that Jesus was in my cellar after all. Since sending my email to you the police told me it might be a tramp, so I was a little concerned.
One thing is troubling me though. Is Jesus in my old cellar (as I recently moved) and if so should I go back there and let Him out?
Yours in Christ
Margy Hetheldrip
margybargy@aol.co.uk
Dear Margy,
Relax - Jesus will have escaped from your old cellar with ease. Nothing is beyond His power. He will be with you always, no matter how many times you move house.
Love and blessings
Reverend Bernard Worthington
Magic Moses?
Hello church guy
My name is Stevie Michaels and in Basildon my crew call me 'Da Boy' coz I know da least words of all my crew and dis makes me da best we fink. A lot of da time people dont know wot I mean becoz I don't know enough words to explain fings and we fink dis is good.
I heard dat Moses moved da sea around using his magic powers is dat right?
Stevie Da Boy Michaels
sm-daboy@essexshits.com
Dear Stevie,
How wonderfully socially inept you are! I can fondly picture your gormless face peering out from under some stupid looking hooded top trying to figure out who you should stab next.
Now, when it comes to Moses, he did indeed move the sea around - in fact he parted it - though the powers he used to do this were God's magic powers really. And we don't like to call them 'magic powers' so much as 'holy powers'.
When David Blaine stares at the camera like a preposterous berk for a while (attempting to look mysterious but only succeeding in looking stupid) he's using his 'magic powers'. When the LORD God picks up a mountain and drops it on someone's head, He's using 'holy powers'. These are basically better, and more impressive. God does put on a magic show every day where He spins people round at supersonic speeds, makes apples dance and turns lamp posts into unicorns! But we'll have to wait until we get to Heaven to see it. Entrance is free and the candy floss is made of gold! I hope I'll see you there Stevie! Bags me first ride on the roundabout dragon!
Love and blessings
Reverend Bernard Worthington
Rubbish
Hi Reverend Worthington
Everything in my life has turned out rubbish. Do you think God hates me?
Ralph
ralphy.bloater@dumpydimply.org
Dear Ralph,
Good LORD no! God loves you; He only intentionally smites those who anger Him, or those whose parents have angered Him, or people that happen to catch His eye when He's having a bet with Satan. So unless you've angered God (in which case you can't really complain) everything in your life that is going wrong is purely down to your own free will, and hence is not God's fault.
You could always consider praising God from the rooftops. I'm not sure if it will achieve very much but I can't think it would hurt either, as long as you don't fall off.
Love and blessings
Reverend Bernard Worthington
Catholic Infestation!
Hello Reverend,
Sometimes I think I hear Catholics in the walls of my house. I worry that they'll be burrowing tunnels, scratching away at the floorboards and nibbling at the wiring. I am aware that the Bible tells us quite specifically that "Thou shalt not kill" but I was wondering if this applied to Catholics as well as normal people?
I have some poison and was considering lacing some five pound notes with it and leaving them outside the entrances to the holes in my walls. I just thought I should check with you first if it'll be OK to poison the little blighters, as I wouldn't want to go to Hell or anything like that.
Thanks in advance for your help.
Edward Inkstand
inkstand@beakyfaces.biz
Dear Edward,
I'm so glad you contacted me before you started on your scheme of poisoning your Catholic infestation, as you would have most certainly been destined for Hell had you broken our LORD'S commandment about killing people. You might think it strange, but Catholics are actually people too, just like you and me! In fact we have more in common with them than you might think; we all pray to the same blessed God for example, and both worship Jesus and think He's lovely.
Members of our Church and Catholics only disagree on a few trivial matters, but rest assured that these will see them sent to Hell sure enough. So stay your poison-wielding hand Edward, as once they get to Hell no doubt they'll have huge bowls of poison for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for ever!
I don't know if you're aware of this Edward, but there are people (who call themselves agnostics - scientists usually) who actually hate God so much they pretend he might not exist! But even these despicable, wretched, horrible, festering heathens are protected by the good LORD's commandment about killing. It's quite some testament to the everlasting love that the Almighty has for His children that He protects even the agnostic with His laws, and contents Himself with merely torturing them for all eternity once they die.
Truly He is the nicest thing ever!
Love and blessings
Reverend Bernard Worthington
